entrapment

Why do gay men spend all that time coming out of the closet, just to get into a cage whereby they have to look a certain way, listen to a certain type of music?

It has taken my friends years, since coming out, to find their way through the nightclubs and out in to the light where they can find similar minded people.

Do gay men feel uncomfortable out of their closet, so they need some type of entrapment/judgement to keep them in check?

Is it just a nice to have feeling that again (see previous post) if:
1) I look like XXX
2) I listen to XXX
3) I hang out at XXX
1,2,3, check = happiness?

Again I think not - it's obvious that people can make their minds up and choose for themselves, but why do I see so many friends trying to conform to a group/situation that either isn't right for them, or makes them uncomfortable?

Appearances can be soo deceiving, and appearances can change so much.

Listening to Kalmah - For the revolution
(it's kinda fun!)

This bitter earth

Just been listening to a lovely remix of a song by Dinah Washington made for the Shutter Island film.

"This bitter earth, yes, can be so cold, today you're young, too soon you're old..."

"And if my life is like the dust, that hides the glow of a rose...then what good am I?"

Those are just two of the lyrics I liked from the song - but it made me think. We're always trying to "get it right", as Dinah sings in her song - we have to age quickly to be the right age, slow down ageing so we're not too old for people.

In the world at the moment (as I see it) we have to have love or a partner, we have to progress our careers and selves.

Is someone keeping a tally? Is there a check board out there (that I haven't seen) which has boxes next to tasks everyone has to achieve?
Find a love.
Lose a love.
Live in a certain type of house/flat.
Achieve so much in a sport or hobby.
Get married.
Have kids.

Are we driven to these things, because they are natural and genetically we need to do them?
Is it because we're driven by social stigma and pressure if we do not?

Many of us are driven by a need to be special, individual and recognised. But when it comes to these social pressures, most people I talk to don't want to stick out at all.

My friends just want to be part of the group.
Have a partner - check
Live together - check
Make babies - check
Three checks = happiness

Or does it?

What of those people who don't want to be partnered up? And what of those who can't find a partner they like/likes them? Should they be desperately unhappy as they can't tick all the boxes?

I don't think so - but the pressures from society make them.

I haven't finished this thought - but I want to find a way so that not everyone has to feel trapped and perform certain tasks in their lives.

I think it links slightly with another thought I'm about to write on vanity - but I'll see.

Woah! Where've been?

Well - not posting my blog - I've still be walking around london - but failing to upload the sites I've seen!

So I've missed telling you about Johnny Blue Eyes party at Beach Blanket Babylon - see Zaynin with the feathers in her hair left (unfortunately looked a bit like a pair of gloves).

Then there's been the Easter party at Parker MacMillan in the city with Annalisa wearing my bread-roll-hat creation.

The party was part of the last tuesday society group who organise quarterly parties around london and make quite a novel experience of the night by providing entertainment throughout the night, from Opera, art installations, food, crucifiction (only avail at Easter) and even poetry. All the while dancing and drinking are happening around the venue with the horde of insatiable smokers pop outside into a variety of the smoking areas.



Listening to: Medina - you and I (Deadmau5 mix)

Bicycles in need.

Now i know where Pudsey goes after his yearly week on TV.

Grassy noll

Who would have thought of putting grass in the centre of town? Well pretty much everyone. But why go for grass when you can use paint and non-ecofriendly substances instead! This exhibition is on at the southbank right now. Go have a look and put your feet up!

Big holes

While i'm a fan of big holes. This one has appeared in Holborn. It was a large office block-knocked down last Sept. Now they've started the foundations i'll have a look and try and find out what the proposals are.

Purchasing

Why do we buy stuff?
We don't really need it - do we just wanna look hip and cool? Or is it because it gives us a feeling that we're playing a part in something? Are we really playing a part? Or are we just being used?

I just passed a shop with the following crap in it:

How does it make money? Do people buy this tat everyday? How much does rent on a shop the size of a squash court cost? Is there anyway they can be making money? Or is this shop just a front for a money laundering operation or maybe drug running?

Right I'm off to find more shops, and I think I know of quite a few, that are fronts for other ops!

Listening to: Ethan - In My Heart

affiliation

So after going to Rome at the beginning of May, with my then boyfriend, I listened to a song from the Gladiator film. "Now we are free." I'm not sure who it's by - but if you know - drop me a comment. For some reason, the song not only reminds me of Rome, the film and Lewis, however it also reminds me of the Rugby world cup or similar event. How can such a nice piece of music be confused so easily?

Listening to: Gladiator Soundtrack - Now we are free

Arguments

On Saturday I went to Lo-Profile where I met a man I'd met about 3 times before, after he didn't remember me, I proceeded to list the times we'd met - I don't know how he felt, but I do remember the way my friend felt when the same thing happened to him.

My friend was called out to by a man at a Terrance Higgin's cocktail evevning, who said that they'd met about five times. My friend reacted quite strangely, rather than being apologetic about the "forgetting" he was more angry that the man had either:
Pointed out his faulty memory
or
Announced it loud enough for people to hear.

In the gay world I'm not sure which is worse, but my friend took it pretty hard and had to have a few more cocktails to overcome the experience!

In our species wide urge to be different, unique, individual, memorable, we find it hard to accept that we could be forgotten, yet how long do we have to push ourselves before we are rememberd? What does the rememberance gain us? Long gone are the times of Merlin, where people are legendary - that should be left to the celebrities of today - why don't we just try and focus on remembering our friends rather than ourselves?

Listening to: Deepgroove - Jus Luv Bass

Perception-alismn-mm

So Madonna's just released another song (Give it to me), where she's singing - no one's going to stop me. Shame...

Anyways - fair play to her, it's a catchy song, and she's signed a huge deal with livenation so she can publicise her tours rather than her albums, especially after people aren't buying music anymore - you gotta agree, she's got her head screwed on business wise! (Or at least some blooming good advisors!

On Tuesday I went for a tan and decided to take some photos while I was in there - random yes - but I'm not sure what the camera would pick up while in high UV exposure, the negative effect makes me look...well like this!

Anyway - cut to Wednesday, I wondered why I was feeling down, and figured that we seem to be mostly unhappy when the world doesn't work the way we want it to. You're unable to go on holiday because of a broken leg, you can't see your friends because they have to work late etc. These are why we're upset. So I thought about this a little further, and on my way to the gym, (to create the body beautiful, to entice a high-calibre man, to take part in a long-term relationship, to provide the feeling that one is needed, to provide a reason for ones life) I passed a young man I spoke to once on a website, i doubt he recognised me, he's been getting quite a lot of exposure over the last 2-3 years working as a model and being quite sick. (Don't ask how I know this - a stalker never reveals his secrets!)

So as I passed him, wearing some big sunglasses, I watched his eyes evaluate me, (maybe he did recognise me after all or maybe he was just glancing over my clothing - who knows) and in that instant, I had a big thought - are we cutting ourselves off from happiness by simply judging people on the first instance we see them? Or does love/lust at first sight really exist? And will it conquer all my unwarranted fears?

So, back to the thread (is there really a thread to this post) oh yes - happiness. I figured, I would jump at the chance to have some naughty fun with the guy from the website who I passed in the street, however, is that only because I've now built him up into an imagined form, whereby he has no faults and is attentive to my needs at all times?

No - it's because he's pretty really, and I'd love to experience having fun with someone who's nice to look at rather than just a run of the mill gay guy! However, being human - I think I'd start finding faults as we all like to make ourselves feel better than other people. In a real relationship - are we really equal?

Oh listen to - Dizzee Rascal ft Calvin Harris - Dance with Me

shopping and dropping

So it's a lovely day on Saturday morning, I've managed to get up and play badminton with Nat, somehow, I always play badly at the start, then once I've warmed up, win the next 10 or so points straight, then I decide I should let her win a few points, next thing I know - she's celebrating victory and I'm wondering how she's one another game?!!

Anyway - so I check my facebook, see that I've been invited to Galop's fundraising event at St Anne's church in soho. You know the big one whose grounds are the only bit of green space on Wardour street. So I call up Marcy and we decide to go along, thinking a mini street party, and fun.

We arrive to find no evidence of the party on the street, the event is inside the church, there's a drag queen doing bingo, badly, and the good raffle prizes (cans of tuna) have all been won....

And to think I had to use liive search to find out who Galop were...with that type of event I'm surprised I could get through the doors without forcing my way through a huge crowd of people!

Fundraising done, we decided to cruise around soho and look for some men to ogle, totty was on the low levels for some reason, and considering I'm in rebound stage - that there was nothing to interest me means there must have been a shortage or something!

Torring off home to change before Maike's party, we arrive at Akbar on Dean street to the sound of Estelle's - Just a Touch, the music is great - a little reminiscient - but enlivening (is that a word) and stirring good memories, No Doubt - Hella good and Hey Baby both play, and after two hours of this - we're REALLY hot under the arches, so we split to Profile, find out we HAVE TO EAT IN ORDER TO BE SERVED ALCOHOL AFTER 11PM!!

Asking queens to eat pizza after 11pm? How does that work!! Without imbibing/consuming anything we leave for lo-profile where surprisingly we have a great night, and boogie around, then go for kebab at 2am to make up for the pizza we missed from profile!

Then it's off to Birthday lunch with Parentals and family on sunday, spending all the time in a train or in shade - when all I wanna do it tanning!

Oath to self - buy some blinds for my bedroom tomorrow and go on a sunbed! Then find somewhere to buy the flying neutrinos new album!
Listening to: Flying Neutrinos - Bei Mir Bist Du Schon

Birthdays

Why are birthday's so important? Load of fuss and bother about nothing, but there's a distinct difference between the birthdays or people who are liked and respected.

I'll tell you the story of my bosses birthday and mine and you can see the difference and how to plan your next one.

My boss told everyone it was his birthday on the wednesday. A card circulated. Signatures scrawled with the usual "Have a great day" "Many happy returns!" Exclamation marks scored through the card into the desks the card was written on. A card delivery by hand was made. A small ceremony was performed hailing the day, and work recommenced. Thoroughly process driven and quite lacking in personality.

Now for my tale - get settled - it's a journey you're coming on now.

I'm thinking there are two things you can do on birthdays:
Option 1)
Tell EVERYONE, advance warning, emails, calls, organising parties and drinking sessions with your friends...
Option 2)
Tell NO-ONE, and keep it secret, the only problem with this being that sometimes you have to declare your birthday to someone (or someone from your past remembers and tells people)

So I attempted option number two this year - didn't tell anyone, office manager, colleagues and even some close friends. I even had to make sure facebook remained quiet about it (although I have thought about changing my birthday on facebook so it's always listed as tomorrow and I never get a day older! (",) )

Decision made hoepfully I'd find out:
- Who remembered (so I can prioritise my friends by those who remember the really important things)
- What kind of difference it makes to your special day, when you have kept it secret.

So, I wake up and my lovely darling housemates remembered, off I trot to work a little late and in receipt of a few texts from the night owls of my life.
Arrive at work and I split up with my boyfriend Lewis, for the second time in two weeks - its "for real" now and he's more upset that we're splitting up on my birthday and he's going to be seen by everyone as a bad person...well too bad, its my birthday and I'll do what I like thankyouverymuchyesindeed!

Anyway - I'm upset, I go to a few meetings, and in order to make myself feel a little better, I tell an agency that it's my birthday.

Next thing I know, I'm summoned down to reception (within an hour) as there's a package for me. A lovely bottle of bubbly!
I return to my desk-pod and obviously now one of my pod-colleagues knows it's my birthday - luckily there's only one there at that time, so I hide the bottle and tootle off to lunch with her. Whilst in the lift she announces to everyone that it's my birthday and so the snowball starts....

Over the next few hours I am in receipt of three cards, presents in the form of left over incentive items and a wonderful birthday muffin! Not to mention a constant drip-drip of emails from well wishers.
The beautiful cards are absent from the "have a great day" "MHR" trivia, they're written only by the people who've heard and want to make a difference and have thoughtfully written a paragraph, rather than a one liner.

I decide a few hours at work is enough and so I saunter home, smiling at all the people who see the bottle of bubbly in the bag and note the birthday slogan...now I'm spreading the message myself and people hold open doors and smile at me.

I can't wait for the world to revolve around someone else tomorrow, I'm gonna make sure I hold the door open for everyone and smile at the people who look like their birthday is never gonna happen again.


Listening to: Barbatuques - Baiana

Shadowrun is coming...

and we're going to have to find a way to play.....

else we're gonna dance like the Brasilians who're running thru the landscape....